Everything Wrong With Origin Story: Lantern's Adventures
by gayAndreadytoRoll
Summary: Theres a lot of things wrong with my origin story, so parodying CienmaSins, I like to take some time to rip it apart. GMADfic. Hope you enjoy.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey. I was reading my old origin story and all I could think was, "Shit, this sucks." So I wanted to make a "Everything Wrong With" thing, parodying CienmaSins. Disclaimer: I don't own CienmaSins. Obviously. Hope you enjoy me tearing apart my old shit XD**

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 **ORIGIN STORY**  
 **INTRO**

Litwick.

 **(1) Narration.**

Litwick. There's something you just have to admire about the guy.

 **(2) Yeah, because he keeps dark secrets from us, steals our memories and has an overly confusing past.**

He's very smart and my opinion and makes, pretty well thought out comments that have made you think about at least at one time or another.

 **(3) More narration.**

But one quote from him I like is, "But, like the others, I was someone before I was a Guardian, the Guardian of Protection."

 **(4) This is a year old fic, so I can only assume that quote is older, and I don't recognize it at all.**

The reason I bring this up particularly is the words, "I was someone before". I obviously, myself was someone before I was a Guardian. But also, I was sort of still the same person after joining the GMAD. Before I was a Guardian.

 **(5) Shit, idiots sound even dumber when they try to be philosophical. Shit, slow down, this is more confusing than Litwick's past.**

People think I'm dead, but it's not as if all record of me was snuffed out from existence, or that everyone on the planet thinks I never was. Or that I died and woke up with no memories.

 **(6) More confusing shit just to make sure people who haven't already face-desked will continue reading.**

I know myself, I know exactly who I am. It's more of _what_ I am.

 **(7) A demonic vampire. We all know, stop trying to be cryptic.**

My name was Lantern Louver so when I became a part of GMAD I simply excluded my "U" and added a 23 while bunching it all together.

 **(8) No, you came up with the name LanternLover23 before you decided your past name, and then you were lazy as fuck and just added a U and excluded some numbers. Nice going, past self.**

I lived in the human world with my mother, Cordelia Louver. I never knew my dad, still don't.

 **(9) Actually, later in the fic Alcatran becomes your school teacher, so you technically DO know him, you just winged this entire fic. Continuity error.**

All I know that his name is Alcatran Louver and he's definitely a jerk, the way my uncle described him.

 **(10) Why Alcatran and Hoodwink hate each other is never explained.**

My mom never talk bad about him

 **(11) Grammar.**

My mom never talk bad about him but I could tell she was angry at him for leaving us.

 **(12) … How? If she never said anything bad about him how can you tell she hates him, other than logic and assumption? Can you really read your mom that well? (13) Also, Cordelia rips off Sally Jackson from the Percy Jackson series.**

She never told me who he _really_ was. He was Alcatran Louver, the most popular vampire in a parallel dimension, the Afterlife.

 **(14) Which is then changed to vampire-demon to make him more OP, then he becomes your teacher for some reason. Wow, you really decided to wing it with this fic didn't you?**

And pretty soon, I'd be going there too.

 **(15) Cheap suspense.**

Let me add something onto that sentence, people think I'm dead. I'm not.

I mean, what happened should've… it should've _killed_ me.

 **(16) More cheap suspense.**

I mean, seriously, getting pushed off a 200 floor building and landing on my head should've been _the end of me._

 **(17) Blatant exposition is blatant.**

But it wasn't. Something was wrong with me, definitely.

 **(18) Nah, you've just got a freaky dad.**

And that is where my story began.

 **(19) Which won't start here because you're too lazy to write it.**

 **SIN TALLY: 19.**

 **SENTENCE: BAD INTRO WASTELAND.**

 **So, anyone who has read that origin story, hope you liked this and I will see you later!**


	2. Chapter 2

**TBH, I've been wanting to rip this apart ever since I re-read it. Anyway, enjoy.**

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My mom, in short, in one simple word is: wonderful.

 **(1) Narration. (2) Also, more exposition.**

She was super kind, smiled all the time and had to aura of somebody who'd just had a nice nap.

 **(3) How can 'having had a nice nap' be an aura? What?**

How she ended up marrying my dad is a complete mystery to me.

 **(4) It is, and it's never explained, like everything else in this fic. Damn, thats confusing.**

I obviously got my hair color from her; her long silky locks were a bright red color that she wore long and loose all the time.

 **(5) MORE EXPOSITION**

She had a thin and fragile frame; like if she bent the wrong way she would break in two. I obviously got nothing from my dad; I've only seen one picture of my dad

 **(6) I don't believe that for a second.**

\- and even if it was fuzzy- I could tell he had slick black hair with spikes for bangs.

 **(7) Wow, that's a lot to tell when a picture is 'fuzzy'.**

Not like me at all, maybe except for the spiky bangs.

Back to my mom. She was an absolute angel. I could ramble on all day about this but I think I'm going to stop now.

 **(8) Thank god. (9) Also, even more ripping off of Sally Jackson from the Percy Jackson series.**

Let's see, where do I begin? Well, I grew up a pretty normal child.

 **(10) Sure you did, because lots of children have fangs and can't go out in the sun. Now that I think about it, how did you get blood to survive? Did you not die because of your human side, and if so, didn't you at least have some sort of craving for blood in the least? Why don't you ever explain this? PLOT HOLE**

For some reason my mom didn't tell me I was half vampire; I'm not sure whether or not she knew my dad was a vampire.

 **(11) This is never revealed ever.**

The only bad things about me where that one, I didn't make many friends. I had a friend named Nikki for a year but it faded away for some stupid reason.

 **(12) Based off a real person named Nikki from your real life, who you decided to tag and drag because… immaturity.**

After that, no friends.

 **(13) Trying to make people feel sorry for you.**

Two, I was a bit of a trouble maker. I always played pranks to get attention. Otherwise, despite my long orange hair I didn't stand out that much.

 **(14) Naruto rip-off.**

I didn't notice I was… _different_ until one day, when I was about seven or eight, I opened my mouth in the mirror to discover small but definitely existent fangs.

 **(15) Jesus, you didn't realize you had two sharp teeth in your mouth until you were EIGHT? Seven? How? You obviously HAD to have looked in a mirror before then.**

It scared me to death but I didn't tell my mom.

 **(16) I'm calling bullshit here, with how much you described your mom as being kind and accepting, you don't tell her, as a small child without much knowledge on how the world works, ask her why there are sharp teeth in your mouth?**

After that, nothing much except one thing that happened when I was twelve.

 **(17) Ah, the mary-sue-ing age for EVERYBODY!**

It was something out of a cartoon.

 **(18) Not really.**

I was walking on a fairly high building top and was pretty close to the edge.

 **(19) Why? Were you on a trip? If so, why wasn't your mom with you? This is a convenient thing happening only for the sake of the plot, but please explain _something_ here.**

Then, someone, to this day I don't know who

 **(20) I bet it was that Nikki girl that you DEFINITELY don't know in real life.**

, bumped into me and sent me sprawling over the edge. I couldn't hear anything over the loud winds but I saw my life flash before my eyes.

 **(21) "Life-flashing-before-my-eyes" cliche.**

And then, I landed on my head before everything went black.

 **(22) Please tell me there is an alternate universe where this actually ended you. (23) Also, why didn't you burn in the sun? Was it a cloudy day or did you just clutch onto a umbrella to shield yourself as you were sent spiraling towards your death? You're giving us exposition in all the wrong places. (24) This is when you almost got yourself killed. You could've been at least A LITTLE more descriptive, as a favor to us all.**

I woke up in a hospital room.

 **(25) "Waking-up-in-a-hospital-room" cliche. (26) Later in the story you have a nightmare when Phoenix smacks you in the head with a frying-pan, but you don't have one when you almost die?**

At first I thought I was dead.

 **(27) Why? Hospital rooms are usually a sure sign you survived.**

When I realized I wasn't I… well, it's hard to explain.

 **(28) Apparently EVERYTHING is hard for you to explain in this vague-as-hell story.**

An weird emotion I can't describe hit me like a pile of bricks. Something in-between nausea and confusion.

 **(29) Maybe you should be happy that you're not dead.**

Thoughts were racing through my head like little NASCARs

 **(30) NASCARs because apparently you couldn't think of anything else that's fast.**

and my I suddenly felt sick to my stomach.

 _Why am I alive? How is this possible? I should be DEAD. There's no blood, no scars, no- What the hell? I don't even have an injuries! Nothing hurts! What the hell is going on?_

 **(31) Well, if you're twelve, then you should probably know that vampires don't go down easily. Why are you confused then? Apparently you noticed the fangs when you were eight, so you must have tried to read up on vampires by now. You should know they're immortal. Maybe you were just too lazy to do any research.**

My mom walked in and looked like she was going to cry. Maybe she was overjoyed I was alive. Maybe it was something else.

 **(32) Most loving and caring moms are overjoyed when their kids aren't dead. Stop wondering.**

Either way, we hugged and she just calmed me and made me relax in general. My mom was here; everything was okay.

 **(33) I don't think so, this is a GMAD story.**

And then everything went to hell.

 **(34) That metaphor doesn't belong here.**

Outside the hospital room a spiraling green and white portal formed from nowhere and my mom and I sat their,

 **(35) Grammar.**

Outside the hospital room a spiraling green and white portal formed from nowhere and my mom and I sat their, loudly freaking out over it's sudden occurrence.

 **(36) If you two are screaming, then why don't any nurses or doctors come to the room and notice what's going on? I'm calling bullshit on this hospital.**

Then the window shattered and a force starting lifting me out of my bed and out of the now broken window.

 **(37) And no nurses or doctors hear THIS?!**

I tried to fight it, I really did. I was kicking and screaming with all my might but it was utterly hopeless.

 **(38) Yep, it's part of the plot and it's utterly hopeless to fight against the force of the plot.**

The last thing I saw before being engulfed by the portal was my mom screaming my name and reaching for me.

 **(39) Why is your mom reaching for you? She should only be screaming your name seeing as now that you're almost fully engulfed by the portal, reaching for you is pointless. Being desperate just makes it more dramatic I guess.**

I reached out to her too, but it was too late.

 **(40) Wow, you're BOTH reaching out? Guess it runs in the family.**

After it swallowed me up everything turned black.

 **(41) "Everything-turning-black" cliche.**

Suddenly a shock ran through me, like I was being electrocuted. It hurt like hell but after it was over I felt powerful, like I'd just drank something that would allow me to punch the top off a mountain. Or maybe even the entire mountain.

 **(42) More bullshit metaphors.**

Then the world came back to color but it wasn't my world. The building's were shaped differently, the cars were strangely old fashioned

 **(43) "Old fashioned" because you're too lazy to look up any old car styles and actually check your history.**

and monsters like werewolves, vampires and zombies trailed the sidewalks.

Well, one thing was clear.

 **(44) You've been transported to a low budget "Nightmare Before Christmas" set?**

I wasn't in Kansas anymore.

 **(45) Referencing a movie you haven't seen. I know you haven't seen it because I'm you, and let me tell you, you will _hate_ that movie.**

 **SIN TALLY: 45**

 **SENTENCE: TRANSPORTED TO HALLOWEEN TOWN**

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 **Hope you enjoyed. Review or** **whatever**


	3. Chapter 3

**More story ripping! YAY! ENJOY**

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I found a spare change of clothes (since I was still in my embarrassing hospital dress) in a store called _Magical Garments_

 **(1) Who wants to bet a store called "Magical Garments" actually exists in real life? (2) That is the most uncreative way to name your fictional store.**

run by this really nice guy with brown hair, golden eyes and bat wings. Kind fellow.

 **(3) OOH! He sounds interesting! Let's get to know him a little more throughout the… he's never going to be mentioned again is he? (4) No wonder he's never mentioned again, you don't want to explain how you got a spare change of clothes from a store when you HAVE NO MONEY. I'm calling bullshit on this store.**

Anyway, my attire was know a orange sweater way too big for me (the collar covered a bit of my chin), and tight black leggings. I didn't have any shoes on.

 **(5) Apparently, BatBoy is nice enough to give you a sweater and pants, but not any shoes.**

And damn, was I short!

 **(6) You still are, midget.**

After that, I had no idea what to do. No money, no nothing in this strange new world filled with monsters!

 **(7) "No money". Two seconds earlier: "I got a spare change of clothes from this store." Did you spend all your money there? You don't have any money! No way in hell were you HOLDING ONTO SOME while you were getting pulled into a portal against your will.**

My lucky break was this guy I met in a yes, sounds suspicious, bar like place.

 **(8) Twelve year old in a bar.**

He had a scraggly beard and dark red hair that was spiky and messy. He wore a thin green sweater and brown pants.

 **(9) The one character you describe the most is the one that will be turned into a stuffed animal later.**

He was, to say the least, scrawny. But the thing that shocked me most was what he said his name was: HoodWink _Louver._

 **(10) I don't know, maybe there's another family with that last name, and to be honest, you're in a world of monsters, he could've used magic to read your mind, idiot.**

I literally fell out of my seat in shock.

 **(11) Is this supposed to be comical or dramatic?**

I asked him to repeat that and he did. I soon found out something completely mind boggling: He was my dad's brother!

 **(12) You seem very willing to trust this man just met in a BAR, of all places.**

I launched into a rambling of questions about my dad. What was he like? Why did he leave us? Who is he really? What-

He cut me off and told me everything I needed to know.

 **(13) Exposition.**

Not much I hadn't already guessed about my dad: He was a complete asshole. He left because one, he was too much of a prick to accept he had a half human daughter

 **(14) He married a HUMAN, how did he expect to not have a half human daughter? You're dad's an idiot.**

and two, because he had a job elsewhere. And he's really a vampire.

 **(15) What job? This was never explained. What is his job: resident evil vampire? Where is he right now? Scheming?**

Well, that explained the fangs.

 **(16) Seriously, you found out about these fangs when you were EIGHT, and for the next FOUR years after obvious sun problems and blood cravings you would've HAD TO HAVE, you never thought once, HMM, I MIGHT BE A VAMPIRE.**

I looked down at my pale hands. Did this mean I was half vampire?

 **(17) Hmm, no shit, Sherlock.**

He seemed to read my thoughts and told me I was right. I nodded and we went back to what we were eating. He was, surprisingly unlike most old guys at bars, was having soda, not alcohol.

 **(18) This is never explained. Maybe it's just so he's a good role model or some shit.**

But as soon as we left my first friend was supposedly torn from me. A furry arm reached from an alleyway and literally grabbed my uncle by the neck. I turned and looked into the alleyway to see them both gone. Then I looked up. They were on top of the bar. I couldn't see what was going on up there, just their silhouettes.

 **(19) Why? Is it dark outside? If so, why did you walk into a bar at night? Why did anyone let a twelve year old into a bar at NIGHT? Also, if you just found out you were a vampire, why aren't you at least trying to do something to help your supposed uncle?**

There was a sickening sound I couldn't identify and something fell and landed on my shirt. I felt sick to my stomach. _Blood._

 **(20) If you're half vampire, the blood should actually seem somewhat appealing to you. (21) Also, you said you were wearing a sweater, not shirt. Make up your mind.**

For a second, I just stood there, trying not to cry as I saw the bigger silhouette who had grabbed my uncle teleport away. He couldn't be dead. He couldn't be- could he?

 **(22) Oh my god, this random dude I just met who's apparently my uncle just DIED.**

No, it couldn't be true. HE WAS DEAD.

For the second time he read my thoughts. "Not yet. Down here."

 **(23) Welcome to the Afterlife, where we can bullshit magic our way out of ANY DEATH!**

I looked down to see a nine inch tall beige teddy bear waving at me. "I'm in here." What?

 **(24) You're magic bear uncle is alive. Get with the program.**

He somehow jumped up and landed on my shoulder. "I was enchanted in a spell that would give me a secondary form if I accidentally died. But of all second forms- a teddy bear?" he looked down at his paws.

 **(25) Really? He never decided what his secondary form was gonna be? When did he cast this spell? If someone went to the trouble of enchanting themselves so they would have a second form after death, you'd think they'd actually make sure it's a efficient form.**

I giggled. "Okay then _HoodWink._ "

 **(26) No matter how much of a stuffed animal he is, you're still disrespecting your uncle.**

"That's Uncle Hoodwink to you!"

 **(27) "Thats-_-to-you!" cliche.**

"But now you look more like a HoodWink!"

"How?"

"It sounds cuter!"

"Cute?"

And that's how HoodWink the teddy bear came to be; I'm still looking for a cure to return him to his original body.

 **(28) Don't bother.**

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 **SIN TALLY: 28.**

 **SENTENCE: KILLED BY A FURRY ARM.**

 **hope you enjoyed**

 **review if you want**


	4. Chapter 4

**I am returning to rip apart my old work. Prepare yourself.**

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This is how I got the Jack O House.

 **(1) Exposition. (2) I am already one sentence into chapter four and I'm already disappointed.**

There was yellow police tape around it and monsters dressed in what looked like Police uniforms surrounding it.

 **(3) Apparently all universes have the same kinds of police tape and police uniforms.**

The yard was made of mostly dirt

 **(4) Why? What about the giant house that looks like a pumpkin? Isn't that the actual house? WHY AREN'T YOU MENTIONING IT, DAMMIT?!**

and there was one of those wrecking ball machines poised to knock it down.

 **(5) You get a sin for not even bothering to do a ten second Google search to figure out what they're called.**

Hoodwink hopped off my shoulder and asked what they were doing.

 **(6) How did he jump so high in the first place? Is he on some sort of some sort of teddy bear magical medication that gives his superhuman jumping abilities?**

"It's getting knocked down since the original owner's whereabouts are unknown, teddy."

 **(7) If Alcatran is really so evil and terrifying, I feel like the monsters in the Afterlife would be a bit more hesitant to knock down his giant house without his consent. (8) Also, 'teddy'.**

"It's _Hoodwink._ " Hoodwink responded, obviously miffed at his new body change. "Was the owner's name by any chance Alcatran Louver?"

My eyes widened and I looked in surprise at my bear uncle.

 **(8) 'My bear** **uncle' makes it sound like he's a furry**.

Was he saying I was supposed to inherit it?

 **(9) Well, you'll NEED a place for all your future self insert fanfics to take place in, so I assume so.**

"Yes?" said the 'policeman' uncertainly, flipping through a couple pages on a clipboard.

 **(** **10) What is he checking? It's clear he knows who Hoodwink is talking about. (11) Also, no other policemen are wondering who the random strangers on the polcice taped construction site are**.

"Well, this here-" he jumped up onto my shoulder. "-is his daughter."

( **12) what kind of cop is going to believe this?**

The cop straightened his glasses. "Al didn't have red hair."

( **13) And if he's so evil, why isn't the cop wondering why ALCATRAN would want to have an affair with a meme human. (14) Alcatran fails at being famously evil.**

"Ah, but his wife did!"

 **(15) How will that change the cop's mind in any way?**

In the with span of a couple days I'd inherited a house shaped like a Jack O Lantern.

 **(16) You didn't even bother to explain HOW Hoodwink got the werewolf cop to agree to letting you inherit the house. Vague inheritance is vague.**

So... I was Lantern living in a Lantern? Talk about corny.

 **(17) Extremely.**

All of this was… pretty hard to take in. I was in my dad's house.

 **(18) NO SHIT SHERLOCK**

I didn't like him, but if he came back saying, "Hey! Give me my house back!" I'd lock the windows and doors and not let him in.

 **(19) If he's really as powerful as the fic is making him out to be, I don't think that will work.**

(That's what I thought back then anyway) Either that or punch him in the face.

 **(20) That ain't gonna work either.**

I spent a long time rearranging the place; I changed rooms to my own liking, I bought and made stuff with magic

 **(21) SINCE WHEN DO YOU KNOW MAGIC**

and got thousands of books that I kept scattered through many rooms. (there was one room with most of them) Hoodwink taught me magic. It's weird getting told what to do by a nine inch tall teddy bear.

 **(22) You should've said this EARLIER when you claimed you knew how to do magic.**

I also noticed something over the years- Hoodwink's activeness was decreasing.

 **(23) 'the years' You should be noticing you're not aging.**

He spent less time hanging out with me and more time sitting in the front of the TV drinking soda. (how he drank it we will never know)

 **(24) Code for: I'm too lazy to explain how.**

He developed a weird liking towards the Madagascar moves; he kept watching them over and over again.

 **(25) Sounds like a fetish. Better snap him out of it before it becomes a regular thin- you're not gonna do jack shit are you.**

It became that the only time I ever saw him was about twice a month.

 **(26) GET OFF YO ASS AND HELP YO UNCLE BITCH**

Then twice a month became once a month and then once a month became- well, you get it.

 **(27) What I DON'T get is why you're not helping your uncle shake his obvious problems.**

It was then I realized I hadn't left the house in- a _really long_ time. Now, I didn't know _how_ long; I have a terrible sense of time.

 **(28) Not so bad that you don't notice that you have STOPPED AGING**

Plus, only one room had a clock and the one that held in the calendar was in the basement.

 **(29) *fake terror* OH NO! NOT THE... BASSSSEEMEENT!**

My estimate was about a couple weeks. However, I also had always been terrible at _math._

 **(30) So bad that you don't notice how many days are passing? Oh look, not doing homework is actually helping advance the plot!**

I left the house to take a nice little walk through town.

 **(31) Why haven't you left the house until now? Who are you, Rapunzel?**

I didn't tell Hoodwink; I didn't even think he cared anymore.

 **(32) I don't think that's an excuse to walk out on your uncle who obviously has some issues that need to be addressed.**

Anyway, I was roaming down a street when I spotted one of those old newspaper boxes.

 **(33) Again, you being too lazy to do a ten second Google search to see what they're called.**

I bought one and read some of it. The Afterlife had always been an old timey place. (some TVs were still in Black and White!)

 **(34) Being too lazy to do any research so you can say what Earth era this dimension looks like.**

But when I causally glanced up to the date, I dropped the newspaper in shock. It had been two hundred years since the day I came here.

 **(35) Nobody's sense of time is THIS BAD.**

And I still looked 13; many mirrors in the house confirmed it. But how was this possible? Suddenly a thought struck me.

 _My mom._

 **(36) How, in the span of TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS, did you never ONCE think about your mom?**

I hadn't ever tried to go back to my home dimension, but now was the time to try.

 **(37) Why haven't you tried to leave the house or this dimension yet? DONT YOU MISS YOUR MOM?**

Hoodwink had only spent a week teaching me how

 **(38) Don't bother worrying, we all know you're gonna be able to to do it.**

but this was a risk I was going yo

 **(39) Grammar.**

have to take. I opened my palm, stretched out my arm and a white and green spiraling portal formed. Sparking with electricity and most likely unstable, but there.

With one last glance at the Afterlife, I jumped in.

 **(40) You seem very willing to trust a spell you've probably never practiced.**

I landed exactly where I had left. The hospital room. Actually, the air outside the hospital room. So I flailed in the air for a bit, cartoon style before falling to the ground, 20 floors below. I was alive and thankfully this time I didn't black out.

 **(41) How? You never explain how you didn't black out like you did last time.**

But not dying when I should have was still weird.

 **(42) So over the span of two hundred years, never once did you get in a situation when you almost died but didn't?**

With that, I turned on my heel and headed for my old apartment.

 **(43) Cheap suspense is cheap.**

 **SIN TALLY: 43**

 **SENTENCE: TERRIBLE SENSE OF TIME**


End file.
